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A teaching for those who have gone through LFL

Romans 12

⁹Don't just pretend that you love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Stand on the side of the good. ¹⁰Love each other with genuine affection,^[1] and take delight in honoring each other. ^[1] Greek – with brotherly love. New Living Translation

⁹Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. New International Version

⁹[Let your] love be sincere (a real thing); hate what is evil [loathe all ungodliness, turn in horror from wickedness], but hold fast to that which is good. ¹⁰Love one another with brotherly affection [as members of one family], giving precedence and showing honor to one another. Amplified

⁹Be sincere in your love for others. Hate everything that is evil and hold tight to everything that is good. 10Love each other as brothers and sisters and honor others more than you do yourself. Contemporary English Version

Showing Affection

Have you ever seen two guys hug each other? You know the three pats on the back and keep your butt out so their crotches don’t touch? Have you ever been nervous about showing any kind of affection to someone of the same sex thinking that it might be construed as homosexual? Have you ever seen a father and son show real affection toward each other by hugging and kissing? Have you ever wanted someone just to give you some affection, a loving touch? Have you ever had someone touch you or hold you when it was not sexual but just affectionate?

We are so scared to give and to receive affection, worried how it might look. Why is this important to learn about positive affection?

Repression

One of the important issues in the lives of boys today that keep us unhealthy in the area of sexuality is our repression and not understanding our emotions. Let me quote to you from Dr. Archibald Hart’s book "The Sexual Man – Masculinity without Guilt." He is just one of the many Christian therapists that say similar things. "Upon seeing an attractive girl, boys are aware, on the one hand, of their sexual arousal. But they do not learn to identify their deeper accompanying feelings. They learn to separate the two. Arousal is not a feeling, for males; it is a sensation: accelerated heartbeat, exhilaration, excitement. Feelings are not just sensations; they are more than sensations and have to do with the meanings we attach to sensations. Males learn very early to keep the two separated. They understand the sensations of sexual arousal but shut out the accompanying feelings.

Is this healthy? Clearly not. We are more than animals. Animals just experience sensations, not feelings… unless we raise our boys with greater attention to their awareness of feelings; sex will remain animalistic for them. Without the awareness of feelings such as tenderness, love, gentleness, consideration, and sympathy, sex is brutish and animalistic.

Herein lies a major difference between the sexuality of males and females. Females learn to connect their feelings with their sexuality. Males don’t, especially when they grow up in an emotionally repressed environment… Sex without sensuality merely reduces it to an act in which release is the primary objective. The male who lacks sensuality also lacks sensitivity and is unable to serve as a satisfactory sexual partner because he doesn’t enjoy the broader experience of sex.

How does this come about? By depriving boys of the basic building blocks of sensuality – kissing, hugging, touching, stroking, and being close to one another. These experiences are sensual because they have to do with our senses. They do not, of themselves, constitute anything sexual. But for sexuality to be sensual, a boy, and later a man, must feel comfortable with these basic building blocks."

How do we deal with that?

Some of us have grown up with a lot of affection and some of us have had very little. It usually depends on how our parents were raised, how their parents showed affection. How comfortable they are with their sexuality and how comfortable we are with ours.

But we also need to deal with how do we become aware of our feelings? How do we learn how to attach our feelings to our sexual responses?

These issues will affect our relationships with our spouses in later years, our sons and daughters and how they grow sexually and many other issues in our lives.

One of the easiest ways I know is to model true, healthy, non-sexual affection towards others. When we start feeling connected, loved, appreciated, and affectionate toward each other we tend to begin to understand our feelings that accompany these actions.

When we start receiving and giving non-sexual affection to each other and to friends who are women, we can then talk about it and process the feelings. We begin to see more of the total picture. What it is like to be a healthy sexual person which includes true, holy, affection.

Paul, in Philippians 1:3-11 says, "I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus. And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ--to the glory and praise of God"

Here are some emails that I have received.

"The freedom to be affectionate and outgoing has meant the most this past weekend. My relationships are just fuller and I'm much more confident in myself…I actually accept and love myself now!"

"Hey, you'd be happy to know that I kissed my parents when I got home and had a great time discussing their authority in my life and my (renewed) submission to that."

"I've spent some petty amazing time in prayer (with my roommate)…(With whom I'm getting better at showing affection and affirmation, no small feat for me)"

Now where do you go from here? What you don’t want to be doing is going around trying to show affection when it is not real or just for show … BUT you need to not be afraid of showing non-sexual, genuine affection to each other in appropriate ways. Allow yourself to accept and be comfortable in showing Godly affection toward each other.

Now I am not suggesting that you go around kissing everybody and being all mushy. I am suggesting that you can be manly men and show positive affection. Wrestling, bumping, high five can be affectionate. Also putting your arm around each other and other positive touching is not something you need to run from, but to enjoy the affection. Kissing on the cheek and hugging are also not inappropriate but make sure they are authentic signs of affection and not something you just do.

Here is a good place to start. When you are home next, hug your parents and tell them that you love them, that you appreciate their guidance and protection they have given you. Show affection and honor to them. Kiss them and reaffirm your love for them.

After being shocked by your affection, your mother will pick herself up off the floor and your dad will still be thinking about if he ever discussed homosexuality with you, they will appreciate your affection and love that you show them.

Above all, out do one another in showing honor, respect, affection and love for each other and for our Lord. (I read that somewhere)

With all the affection of Jesus Christ,

Lowell